


the mouth is a mirror (we must watch what we say)

by Introvertedintellect350



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - School, Banter, Childhood Sweethearts, First Kiss, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Male Friendship, Male Homosexuality, One Shot, Pre-Canon, Romantic Fluff, They both have nicknames because it's cute!, Thomas is Not Confident but he's trying his best, good communication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24656965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Introvertedintellect350/pseuds/Introvertedintellect350
Summary: 13-year-old Thomas Barrow and his family have just moved to York. Thomas is going to a new school with people he doesn’t know, and he isn’t sure how to feel about it until a boy named Richard befriends him and turns his whole world upside down in a way he never knew possible.AU if Thomas had met Richard when they were younger.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow & Richard Ellis, Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44





	the mouth is a mirror (we must watch what we say)

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired very loosely by the songs Side by Side and Unmade by Sleeping at Last. Here’s the link to the songs if y’all want to listen! Side by Side: https://youtu.be/SCrY_-AR7VY. Unmade: https://youtu.be/4QlaJYRYtFw. Also, I am by no means a researched historian on schooling in the early 1900’s(this is set in 1910), but I did my best so don’t come at me for inaccuracies.

Thomas was nervous. He’s not used to this feeling. He’s used to feeling confident and sure of himself, but on his first day in this new schoolhouse, surrounded by other kids who have most likely been going to school with each other for years, he was intimidated. He had just moved to York and didn’t want to be there, but he supposed it was better than being at home with his father. 

“What’s your name, boy?” Thomas startled, looking up from the floor to the front of the room, where a strict looking woman that he could only presume to be the teacher, was standing, waiting for an answer. He suddenly realized he had just been standing in the doorway, looking at his battered shoes. 

“Thomas, ma’am.” He replied, rushing over his words. “Thomas Barrow.” She looked strict, nodding unsmilingly and pointing to an empty desk in the middle of the room. Thomas moved to sit down, shedding his coat after setting his books down on the desk. The classroom was silent as he sat and looked to the front of the room. The teacher was writing her name on the blackboard: Miss O’Brien. 

While she was turned around, the boy sitting next to him at their shared desk leaned over and whispered, “She’s not very nice, jus’ a heads up.” 

Thomas looked over at him and agreed, “She looks mean.” The boy was a bit gangly looking, with sandy blond hair, and he grinned when Thomas replied. 

“I’m-” The boy began but was cut off by a loud whap and a barely stifled cry. Thomas flinched as the ruler came down on his knuckles with a sharp rap. 

“You’d do better to listen. You can talk all you want during recess.” Miss O’Brien said sharply, frowning at the both of them. Thomas nodded quickly, chastened. He was silent for the rest of the morning, unless called on. They worked on writing – Thomas was proud of the way his cursive was coming along, but Miss O’Brien was one for perfection so perhaps he wasn’t doing as well as he thought. He was relieved when she called an end to practicing their lettering and allowed them outside for a break. 

Thomas practically ran outside, eager to get out of the classroom. The boy who’d gotten his knuckles rapped for talking followed him out and as soon as they were outside, introduced himself. 

“I’m Richard,” he smiled, “I’ve not seen you around, did you just move here?”

“I’m Thomas,” he nodded, looking over at Richard. “I did just move here. How long’ve you been here?” 

“My whole life. And you get used to Miss O’Brien. Jus’ follow her rules.”

“Don’t your fingers hurt?” Thomas looked down at Richard’s hand, able to see red spreading across his knuckles. Richard flexed his hand, curling it into a ball then stretching them out. 

“They don’t hurt too bad,” Richard shrugged and looked up at him, a grin suddenly taking over his face. “Race you to the top of the jungle gym?”

“You’re on!” Thomas grinned back, already running towards the towering poles that made up a portion of the recess yard. Not minding the height, he made his way to the first slanted pole he could get to and began climbing. He looked around and saw Richard opposite him, climbing faster than him. Doubling his efforts, he made it to the top of the pole and sat where the poles met in the corner to create the top of the square, looking up to see Richard already sitting across from him, swinging his legs and looking gleeful. 

“I win!” He shouted, arms in the air. 

Thomas frowned, sticking his tongue out. “You’ve had more practice!” He retorted, and Richard laughed. “Go again?”

They raced up and down the jungle gym, Richard winning twice more and Thomas winning once until they sat atop one of the poles, out of breath and giggling in the hot August sun. Thomas couldn’t remember a time when he’d had as much fun as this, and never wanted it to end. Both of them groaned when the bell was rung, signaling an end to recess and a resuming of lessons. Thomas was grateful for Richard when lunch came and he sat by him, feeling discouraged by his progress in maths. 

If there was one thing Thomas knew he wasn’t good at, it was maths. He wished there was something that could figure out the numbers for him, so he didn’t have to muddle through dividing double- and triple-digit numbers that liked to flip themselves around if he wasn’t paying attention hard enough. Even subtracting properly was hard, sometimes. He was in the middle of feeling bad about himself and sullenly eating a sandwich when Richard sat next to him, leaning against the tree Thomas was sitting cross-legged under. 

“I hate division.” He announced, opening his lunch sack and pulling out his own sandwich. 

Thomas couldn’t agree more. Nodding, he replied, “Me too. At least you’re good at it though, I’m not.” 

“I can help you,” Richard offered through a huge mouthful of bread, jam, and peanut butter. “If you like.” He added after Thomas’s hesitation. 

Thomas was surprised at his offer to help. The only help he’d ever had was his mum, but only occasionally. He was used to doing things on his own, or risk the treatment of his father, yelling because he couldn’t multiply correctly and being smacked at taking too long to figure a problem out. He was hesitant, and for a few moments just stared at Richard, unsure. “You don’t haf’ta.” He mumbled, suddenly realizing Richard was staring right back, and he felt hot under his gaze. 

“’S alright, I don’t mind! And you can help me with my cursive. We can trade, help for help.” Richard replied eagerly, unfazed by the eye contact, apparently. 

“Okay. . .” Thomas began, nodding slightly, “You help me with maths, I’ll help you with cursive. Deal?” He held out his hand and Richard shook it, a smile growing on his face. They sat silently after that, eating their lunch. Thomas was glad to have made a friend so quickly, and one who was willing to help him with maths, at that! He smiled to himself as he finished his lunch, beginning to pack up just as Miss O’Brien rang the bell to call them back to class.

* * *

Over the next few weeks Thomas went from playing with Richard on the jungle gym and helping each other with their schoolwork during lunch, to staying late sitting on the wall behind the school pretending to do their maths and cursive but really sneaking cigarettes he’d stolen from the coat of a stranger off the street and talking until one or both of them had to get home for dinner. It was during one of these late afternoon hangouts that Richard brought up a new subject, right in the middle of explaining how to solve a division problem, what if he joined him at home for dinner and they could study more there? 

The question was asked cautiously, but hopefully, and Thomas looked over at Richard, fag forgotten between his lips for the moment, surprised. “I couldn’t possibly,” He shook his head, knowing there was no way his father would allow him to do such a thing. 

“My mum won’t mind. She’d be glad to meet you – I think she’d like you, even.” Richard grinned, nudging him with an elbow. 

Thomas chuckled, shaking his head slightly, “My father doesn’t like it when I’m not home for dinner.”

“Not even if you say it’s for school?” Richard prodded; a pleading note held in his voice. Thomas ignored the twinge of. . .something in his stomach at the slight change in tone. “You’re always saying how he’s glad he doesn’t have to tutor you anymore since you got me.” 

He shrugged, meeting Richard’s eyes briefly then looking down at his hands, fiddling with a piece of chalk. He had a point, his father _was_ enjoying not having to take hours after each school day to check his homework and yell at him. The house had become a quieter place, in that respect, and Thomas was grateful. He was nodding in agreement before the words came out of his mouth.

“I’ll ask my mum and dad.” His gaze rose back up to Richard, who was now smiling even wider and. . .were his cheeks flushed? No, it was the heat. Flashing a grin back, he snagged the fag from him and stuck it between his own lips, taking a drag. “Now, you were tellin’ me how to divide this?” Thomas pointed to the chalkboard in his lap with a half-solved equation, leaning closer to the boy sitting next to him as he continued his explanation they’d started earlier. For the first time in a while, he was looking forward to going home, if only because it might mean could spend less time there and more with Richard.

* * *

The next day, Thomas was bursting with the good news. The beginning of class was agony, sitting right next to the boy who was waiting for an answer, their knees knocking together in silent communication and Thomas trying not to keep glancing over at him with a smile. Focusing on what Miss O’Brien was saying was impossible, and the first chance they got a break, he was dragging Richard over to what they had established as “their spot” underneath a tree at the edge of the schoolyard where they had eaten lunch his first day. 

“They said yes!” He exclaimed excitedly, bouncing a little on his toes when they stopped in the shade. “My father said three days a week he’ll allow me to go to yours. “Anything to get you out of my way and not blathering about your bloody maths,” he said.” The smile refused to fall from his lips, and he felt he could burst from joy – he didn’t question the level of his excitement when Richard’s own face broke out in a broad grin. 

“I told you! I knew he’d let you come,” Richard replied, fist punching the sky. “You’ll come today then?”

Thomas nodded, feeling a flush rise up his neck and into his cheeks. He turned to look at the rest of the schoolyard to hide the pink he knew was showing, and pointed to the jungle gym. “Race you to the top?” 

“You know you can’t beat me,” Richard scoffed, rolling his eyes and laughing, turning and sprinting away. Thomas raced after him, arms outstretched to shove him sideways as they ran. Richard fell behind him but only for a moment, until suddenly he was being tackled to the ground, arms wrapping around his middle from behind. The breath went out of him as they hit the ground, a mixture of laughter and a groan as he rolled on his back to find Richard directly above him, inches away, weight fully on top of him. It only lasted a moment before Richard stood and took off again and Thomas was scrambling back to his feet, once again shoving away the swooping his stomach did when he’d been that close to the boy. Despite the heat, the skin on the back of his neck had prickled with gooseflesh at Richard’s breath when he’d been tackled, but he shook it off, forgetting it the moment it was over. 

“Not fair!” He yelled after him, legs pumping to catch up. By the time he got to the jungle gym, Richard was already climbing a pole. How Richard managed to beat him most of the time was beyond him, but it was fun to race, so it didn’t matter much. Thomas made it to the top, swinging up next to Richard, grinning and breathless. 

“Told you you couldn’t beat me.” Richard taunted, nudging him with his shoulder. 

“Whatever,” Thomas scoffed, looking over at him. Richard’s blond hair was a mess, sticking up wildly in places and becoming even messier when Richard reached up and ran a hand through it. “Your hair’s a mess, by the way.” He commented with a chuckle. 

“Thanks to you,” Richard tossed back, fingers dragging through his hair again, attempting to comb it. 

“You were the one who tackled me!” Thomas shot back, laughing.

“Only ‘cause you were beating me! I had to do something drastic.” 

“Can’t stand that I’m getting better at this, hm?” 

“Shut up. You’re taller than me any-”

“Only by a few centi-”

“Your hair’s a mess too, ya know.” Richard interjected, reaching out to fix the errant strands. For a second Thomas froze, unsure of how to react, before shoving his hand off and scooting away, allowing himself to fall and hang by his hands on the bar. He squinted upwards in the bright sun to see Richard following suit until they were hanging side by side. “I was jus’ trying ta-” 

He got cut off as the bell was rung, signaling them back inside. Thomas turned, moving hand over hand until he got to a pole he could climb down. He could hear Richard behind him, still recovering his breath from their chase across the yard. Stepping inside the school building was a relief, it was cooler inside than out, and to not have the hot sun shining down on him felt good. He was glad when their lesson started again, giving him something else to focus on besides the boy sitting next to him – except for the fact said boy kept knocking his knee against his and reminding Thomas he was there every five seconds. He found himself feeling almost irritated at the fact he was so _aware_ of Richard and his every movement, breath, and scribble of notes. 

By the end of the day Thomas was itching to get out of the classroom and walking, even if he was going to spending the next few hours as close to Richard as he’d been all day. He quickly packed up his books into his bag and slung it over his shoulder, walking out of the classroom seconds after they were dismissed. He walked around the building, leaning on the wall facing the road and waited. Richard turned the corner a moment later and nearly ran into him. 

“Woah! Hi, Thomas.” Richard stopped abruptly and backed up a ways after nearly colliding, their faces inches apart for a few seconds. He tried to ignore the flush that he saw rise to the other boys’ cheeks and backed away as well, standing up off the wall. 

“Hi,” he replied lamely, internally kicking himself for the answer the moment it came out of his mouth. He cleared his throat, tried again. “Uhh, I dunno where your house is, you ought to lead the way.”

“Right. This way,” Richard turned, gesturing down the lane. “It’s not far, ‘bout a ten-minute walk.”

“Good that,” Thomas nodded, letting Richard lead the way until they settled at a comfortable pace alongside the road walking side by side. They didn’t talk for the most part which was fine with Thomas. His inner monologue was enough to fill his head without outside influence. Quicker than he expected, Richard was turning down a driveway, tugging his sleeve and pulling him out of his thoughts. Thomas looked up to see a nice house and a smiling woman stepping out the front door that could only be Richard’s mum. 

He glanced over at Richard to see him smiling back as they walked up to her. “Mum, this is Thomas. Told you he might be coming over, yeah?” 

“I remember- oh Dickie your hair’s a mess!” His mum reached out, fussing with his blond strands while Richard grumbled and tried to push her away. 

“ _Mum_ , stoppat!” Richard ducked and she gave up, hands moving to smooth the front of her apron instead. Thomas fought down a smirk, covering his laugh with a cough - _Dickie?_

“Nice to meet you, Thomas.” Richard’s mum greeted warmly. “Come in, dinner won’t be ready for a bit yet, so go and do your studying now.” She opened the door, walking inside. Richard followed, then Thomas. They walked in and Thomas was greeted by a tidy kitchen that had the preparations for dinner strewn about the counter tops. He followed Richard through the kitchen and into a hallway, down which they went past one other door until Richard led the way into the second. 

“I like your house,” Thomas commented, looking around as they stepped into what he could only assume was Richard’s room. There was a single bed tucked into one corner on a simple wooden frame, and a desk facing the one window in the room. The floors were wood like the rest of the house, but there was a large rug covering most of the middle of the room, making it feel a bit cozier. 

“Thanks. It’s not much, and I know it’s small in here, but it’ll do.” Richard sounded a bit sheepish, but was smiling slightly when he turned to face him. “Want to do cursive, or maths first?” He asked as he walked over to his desk and set down his bag, pulling out his schoolbooks and notepad. Thomas followed suit, setting his things on the floor as there wasn’t room on his desk. 

“Start with cursive?” He suggested, wiggling his lettering book in front of the other boy and grinning. 

With an exaggerated groan and an eyeroll, Richard picked up his matching book, and notepad, and moved to sit cross-legged on his bed, leaning against the wall. Thomas joined him, jumping onto the bed and causing them both to burst into a fit of laughter as Richard startled, flinging out his arm and hitting Thomas in the stomach accidentally. The sharp pain lasted only a moment, but Thomas fell dramatically, sprawling across the bed and on top of Richard, a tangle of limbs in a matter of moments as he tried to shove him off. Thomas grinned, still laughing as he let his body go limp, making it harder for Richard to move him, and gave up with a huff. 

He looked at Richard who lay next to him, both still fighting down laughter, and he remembered the nickname Richard’s mum had used earlier. “So. . .Dickie, huh?” Thomas taunted; a slow grin spreading across his features as Richard began to turn pink. He was thoroughly enjoying watching him squirm.

“Piss off.” Richard gave him another shove, but it was halfhearted. “You can’t use it on me, only my mum can.” 

“Fine, fine.” Thomas sat up and leaned against the wall like Richard had been doing earlier, and the other boy followed suit. He opened his book to the page they were supposed to copy and began as they usually did; Thomas would write a sentence in cursive, then Richard would copy him while Thomas checked for spelling mistakes. They were a good team, he thought. 

Some minutes went by in silence as they worked on their homework, until movement from the doorway caught his attention and Thomas looked up to see Richard’s mum walking in, a plate of bread and jam in hand.

“Thought you boys might like a snack, since dinners not ready yet.” She greeted, setting the plate down on the desk. Seeing the bread reminded him that he was hungry, and his stomach growled at the sight. Embarrassed, he covered his stomach and grinned sheepishly up at her. 

“Thanks, mum.” Richard said, setting his notes aside to crawl off the bed and grab a slice of bread. 

“Thank you,” Thomas said, following his lead and picking up the second piece of bread on the plate. As Richard’s mum walked out of the room, he took a bite, tongue flooded with delicious jam and soft, fresh bread. “This is _delicious_.” He said through his mouthful, and Richard nodded eagerly in agreement. 

“My mum makes the best jam.” He said proudly, nearly half done with his own slice. Thomas agreed with his statement, polishing off the snack within seconds and crawling back to his spot on the bed. Richard joined him a moment later, sitting even closer to him than before, their upper arms pressed together from elbow to shoulder and he could feel the heat from his arm. He couldn’t help but notice the way his heart ticked up a notch, but shook it off and pulled his notes back into his lap, determined not to get distracted. 

An hour later Richard snapped his book shut, both of them having finished both cursive and maths, and Thomas did the same with a sigh of relief. The last half an hour they’d been working on maths had been torture. Nearly at the same time as they closed their books, he heard the call that dinner was ready and for them to go wash up. He was excited for dinner, and his stomach was grumbling again, the bread and jam not having lasted long. They went to wash up, then joined Richards family at the table and thus began their thrice weekly routine.

* * *

Several more weeks passed, and Thomas found himself growing ever more comfortable around Richard. It was nearing the end of September now, and there was a chill just beginning to make its way through the air. Their spot under the tree was now covered in leaves, but every day they would clear it off and eat lunch underneath the turning leaves. They were sitting enjoying lunch now, and Thomas was just opening his lunch pail to discover his mum had given him a surprise treat – a couple of small gobstoppers and a handwritten note from his mum. He unfolded it and read it, _Share this with your friend Richard! Mum_. The corners of his mouth twitched upwards as he folded the note back up and picked up one of the gobstoppers, holding it out to Richard. 

“My mum gave me two, said to give this one to you. Want it?” 

The look Richard gave him was one of pure joy and a rush of heat flooded Thomas’s whole body when the other boy met his gaze, stomach suddenly in knots for reasons he didn’t fully understand. Whenever Richard looked at him these days it was like a swarm of butterflies were in his stomach, and god forbid he smiled at him. Might as well just kill him on sight with how quickly his heart rate rose. But what he couldn’t figure out, was _why_ he felt like that around him. He’d seen the adverts all around town – boys loving other boys should feel wrong, it was a sin and he knew that. It’d been beaten into his head through church, society, and everyone around him it seemed. So he knew he couldn’t possibly be. . . _attracted_ to him. Could he? Surely if he was it wouldn’t feel like he felt now, warm and happy, sharing sweets with a boy who’d quickly become his closest friend. 

“Thomas? Hellooo?” Richard waved a hand in front of his face and Thomas blinked, not realizing he’d gotten lost in thought until he was pulled out of it. 

“Sorry. What’d you say?” Thomas asked, feeling sheepish, remembering he was still holding the gobstopper out to him. 

“I said ‘course I want it. If you’ll hand it to me, that is.” Richard chuckled, reaching for the offered sweet and taking it from him, popping it into his mouth. 

“Aren’t you going to eat your lunch first?” Thomas asked, reaching for his sandwich and unwrapping it to take a bite. 

“And risk you taking it back from me?” He replied, voice muffled as he spoke around the candy and giving him a teasing nudge with his elbow. “No way.” 

Thomas laughed, shoving him back and taking another bite of his sandwich, relieved the butterflies in his stomach were fading and he felt more at ease once again. Several minutes of comfortable silence passed between them as they ate, Richard sucking on his gobstopper and Thomas eating his sandwich until he finished his sandwich and started on his candy, and Richard finished his candy and started on his sandwich. 

“My birthday’s in a few weeks, you know.” Richard announced, breaking the silence. “I’ll be fourteen,” He said it proudly, sitting up a little straighter. “and my mum’s making me a cake and everything.”

“That’s neat,” Thomas answered, watching as Richard shifted, suddenly looking less proud and more nervous. What could he have to be nervous about? Announcing his birthday was exciting, but not nerve-wracking? He could see he was about to say something else though, and held his tongue against a question bubbling up.

“And I um. . .” Richard glanced at him, flashed a smile, then looked down at the grass, picking at it for a moment before looking back up, directly at him and seeming to steel himself. “D’you wanna come over? For my birthday, I mean. It’s on a Saturday and mum said I could only have one or two people over if I wanted because it’ll be a small cake, but enough for my family and maybe two more people if we cut it right and-” He cut himself off suddenly, cheeks reddening. Thomas fought the urge not to blush as well, finding his nervous rambling oddly cute. 

“I do.”

“What?” Richard’s gaze whipped up from where it had traveled back to the ground, fingers nervously pulling at the grass. 

“I want to come for your birthday. I bet the cake’ll be really good.” 

“Oh. Good,” Richard’s face had broadened into a pleased smile, and Thomas smiled back at him. “Two Saturdays from now, that’s when it is.”

“I’ll be there.” He nodded, as if to solidify his statement, and for several long moments Thomas found himself just. . .looking at Richard. And Richard was looking right back, which, surprisingly, he didn’t mind. The blond’s blue eyes probed his own, like they were asking him a question, seeking an answer he clearly didn’t have. What was he looking for? To that extent, what was he himself looking for? Or was he just looking, allowing himself to admire the strands of blond hair that were falling across his forehead and into his eyes, his striking blue eyes that seemed at war with the playful lilt of a smile that was tugging at his lips. They seemed on the verge of a laugh, or as if he wanted to say something with the way they were parted slightly, but held back. His gaze flicked back up to meet Richard’s and found them still locked on him, openly curious. 

The moment stretched on and on, and if Thomas could live in that bubble of time, he would. The spell broke abruptly when across the schoolyard the bell was rung, signaling them back to class. Richard’s gaze wrenched away and Thomas found he missed it the moment it was gone, then his gut twisted at the implications of that thought and shoved it away as he turned to pack up his lunch and stood, not waiting for Richard to join him as he strode back towards the classroom. He heard him let out a huff of a breath and follow, catching up to him until they were walking side by side. It didn’t escape his notice that Richard was walking so close to him that their shoulders brushed together, and it felt like something had shifted between them. He wasn’t sure what or how, but his stomach had begun to do somersaults again.

* * *

Later that evening, Thomas had gone to Richard’s after school as usual and they’d already done their homework and eaten dinner and were sitting on the back steps. It was twilight, and Richard’s dad had said there’d be fireflies out so they were out watching, waiting, pointing out bits of light they thought might be a firefly. 

“There!” Thomas cried, pointing across the yard to where he thought he’d seen a blink of light. Richard looked where he pointed, squinting, then shook his head.

“I don’t see anyth- Oh! Look!” Richard pointed to the other side of the yard and Thomas whipped his gaze over, cheering when he saw what Richard was pointing at. There was one, then two, then as if they all decided to come out at once, there were dozens of little floating, blinking lights in the backyard. Unable to help himself, he jumped up, pulling Richard with him to catch the fireflies. He lunged for the first blinking light he saw, cupping his hands around it and peeking in to see- nothing. Not discouraged, he reached for another, then another until he finally caught one. 

“Richard! Come look!” He called, holding out his cupped hands. When Richard ran over, he unfolded his hands to reveal the bug inside. He gasped, surprised at how large they were for the tiny lights they displayed. They both bent over to take a closer look, but Thomas startled violently when the firefly decided to fly out of his hands and he stumbled backwards, reaching for the boy beside him to stop his fall. His fingers caught his shirtsleeve as he tried to catch his balance but the next thing he knew he was flat on the ground on his back, Richard having toppled on top of him. Richard’s gaze met his briefly and burst out laughing, rolling off him, and scooting to lay shoulder to shoulder. Thomas couldn’t help but laugh at his ridiculous reaction and he laughed until his stomach was sore, each new glance over at Richard setting off another fit of laughter. 

When their laughter finally died down minutes later, Thomas became suddenly aware of exactly how close Richard was to him _and_ that he was staring at him. He could see out of the corner of his eye Richard’s eyes locked on his, even as he refused to look at him. He stared up at the sky that was beginning to reveal twinkling stars, swallowing thickly as his heart rate doubled when he felt something nudge his fingers. He didn’t have to look to see it was _him_ , and when he felt a finger curl around his pinky he suddenly forgot how to breathe. 

He heard more than felt, air escape his lungs in one swift breath and squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, then turned his head and opened them, finding Richard’s face terrifyingly close to his own. The other boys’ fingers continued their slow movement across his own, each new touch making his skin tingle. No. Not tingle. It felt like it was on fire. 

“Hi,” Richard breathed, eyes locked on his as they had been for some time now, his pupils so wide his eyes looked nearly black in the low light. There was the same question in them as earlier that day, the same intense probing look, this time followed by four of his fingers curling around four of his own. Not entirely of his own accord, he felt his hand close gently, hesitantly, in response. His hand was warm and. . .trembling, slightly. 

“Hi,” Thomas replied, equally as soft. He didn’t know what to do next, laying there in the quickly gathering darkness in his friend’s backyard. How had they gotten here again? Oh, right. Fireflies. He let out a quiet chuckle, lips curling up into a small smile. He watched Richard’s gaze flicker down, then back up, just once and a thought brushed across his conscience lazily, feeling out of focus and unimportant, what if his father were to come check on them? 

_What if his father were to come check on them?_

The thought slammed into focus abruptly and knocked all the breath out of him for the second time that night, bringing with it a hot rush of panic. “What if someone-” He blurted, suddenly sitting up and tearing his hand out of Richard’s, on his feet in seconds. He saw Richard’s expression go from happy, excited even, to confused, then hurt as Thomas backed up, words spilling out of him incoherently. “I have to g- we can’t- I’m sor- it’s wrong- I-” He stumbled backward until he hit the steps then turned and ran into the house, hurriedly grabbing his stuff, relieved to see neither of Richard’s parents as he left, practically running down the street. 

What had he been _thinking?_ It was wrong. It was _wrong_. He couldn’t. . .he shouldn’t be having those thoughts. He shouldn’t have been doing any of that. Holding hands with a boy, laying that close to a boy, wanting to share his food and his thoughts and his time and - 

But it had felt so right. So _natural_. How could that feeling be wrong? He was so conflicted. Every outside influence told him that he was bad, wrong, dirty, illegal, for feeling the way he did. But inside, inside he’d felt nice, warm, excited whenever he was around Richard, whenever Richard looked at him, when he’d held his hand. Surely that wasn’t wrong. 

_Right?_

Thomas didn’t realize he was crying until he realized he couldn’t see properly and when he rubbed his eyes, his fingers came away wet and his breaths were hiccuping sobs.

* * *

The next day at school was excruciating. When he walked into the classroom and sat down, Richard barely acknowledged him, only to flash him a look of hurt and not even meet his eyes. Thomas felt guilt gnawing its way through his stomach and hoped against hope that they could sit and talk at lunch about what had happened. 

His hope was crushed when he made his way over to their spot to find Richard having lunch with William. He glared at William, and noticed Richard didn’t even glance his way when he walked by. Thomas sat heavily down, leaning against the tree, fighting the urge to cry. He’d ruined everything he’d ever had with his best friend and it was all. His. Fault. And he didn’t even know how he could fix it, either. It wasn’t like he could just walk over there and tell him how he felt, could he? He could try apologizing, provided he could talk to him alone. He had to tell him he was – what, confused? Didn’t know _what_ the hell he was feeling? Was afraid of what could happen if they. . .were more than friends? 

He sighed heavily, curling his knees to his chest and dropping his head down to them and allowing his emotions to overtake him. A few minutes later he sniffled, looking up and wiping his eyes, no closer to a resolution than before, but feeling slightly better after a cry. It was only after he’d dried his eyes that he realized someone was walking towards him. 

Richard. 

His stomach knotted, not in the good way, and he hastily opened his lunch, attempting to make it look like he was fine eating lunch by himself for the first time in the entire school semester. 

“. . .Thomas?” Richard asked hesitantly, stopping in front of him. He looked sad, conflicted, but like he was determined. 

“What?” Thomas glanced up at him, setting his still wrapped sandwich back in the bag, gnawing on his bottom lip. He feared what was going to come out of his mouth, but was also eagerly waiting for him to speak. The air needed to be cleared, desperately. 

“Can we. . .talk, um, after school?” 

Oh. So it would be later then. That was fine. 

Thomas nodded, “Yeah, that sounds good.” 

“Okay, good.” Richard nodded curtly, shifting on his feet awkwardly, then turned and started walking away. 

“Wait!” The words rose out of Thomas before he knew what he was doing. “I’m sorry.” Richard had turned halfway around to look at him, and he was relieved to see him relax a bit as he spoke. Richard nodded without saying anything then continued walking away, and Thomas felt the knots loosen ever so slightly in his stomach. Maybe he hadn’t ruined _absolutely_ everything. 

The hours after lunch and before the end of school were just as torturous as the morning had been, Richard completely ignoring him and working separately on their classwork. He was counting down the minutes until they’d be let out and didn’t realize his knee was bouncing incessantly until he felt the brush of a palm on his leg. He looked down, surprised, then glanced up at Richard who was adamantly not looking at him, but Thomas could have sworn there was a ghost of a smile on his lips. Goosebumps rose on his arms in anticipation as they were released for the day. He packed up his books as calmly as he could, then let Richard lead the way out of the classroom. He stayed behind Richard until they were on a small worn dirt path behind the school and out of sight of the school, the path now weaving between trees near a small stream. 

“So. . .” Thomas spoke up after a few minutes of silence, quickening his pace to walk next to him. When he got no response, he cleared his throat and reached out to stop him, a hand on his arm. Richard flinched, _flinched_ , and Thomas’s heart sunk further, but he began speaking as they finally slowed their pace. 

“I shouldn’t have done that, last night.”

“Done what?” Richard glanced at him, waiting. 

“Ran away the way I did.” He was earnest, looking at Richard, wanting him to meet his eyes. “I got. . .scared, all ‘f a sudden. I’ve never, ah, done that before and I, well, I- it’s illegal, innit?” He stumbled out his words, unsure of how best to say what was in his mind. “Something changed yesterday and not- not in a bad way but last night when we, um. Last night in your backyard. When you held my hand.” Thomas finally spit it out and Richard met his eyes when he said it. Emboldened, he continued, “I liked it. A lot. And that’s what scared me. I thought your father might come out and see us at any second and that terrified me, honestly. This is all so. . .new, and exciting-” A hint of a smile crossed his features. “-and I don’t know how to act but Richard I. . . whether it’s allowed or not, I like you.” Having said his piece, he let out a breath and tried to calm his racing heart at his bold statement. The silence that followed churned his stomach, and he could have thrown up from the anticipation. Richard was just staring at him, having stopped walking completely to face him.

Thomas didn’t see it coming, not that he didn’t want it. One moment Richard’s gaze was boring into his with an intensity he’d never seen before; the next moment he was being backed against a tree and kissed. All his thoughts zeroed in on the boy’s lips pressed against his and how _right_ it felt. He automatically reached his arms around Richard’s waist but as soon as it had come, he was pulling away. Thomas opened his eyes and looked up, Richard’s face hovering inches away from his, both panting and fighting down smiles. He felt giddy, ready to explode with feeling – and his hands were _trembling_ for god’s sake. 

“I thought you hated me,” Richard breathed, in a hesitant whisper. He could hear the tremble in his voice. His eyes never left his own, and Thomas could hear the blood rushing in his ears as he waited for Richard to continue. “I thought after last night that you hated me and just now you said you liked me and I’m. . .so sorry- I shouldn’t have done that.” The smile fell from Richard’s face and he began to back up. A sense of urgency gripped Thomas and he moved without thinking, pulling Richard back into him and kissing him, just as intensely as had been done to him moments ago. 

He felt Richard relax into him immediately, returning the kiss with enthusiasm. The giddy feeling returned, and warmth bloomed deep in Thomas’s stomach as he felt Richard’s fingers cradle his cheek. When he pulled away for a breath several moments later, he couldn’t stop a wide smile from rising to his lips and was overjoyed to see it mirrored in Richard. “You absolutely should have done that, and I’m glad you did.” He whispered, nerves suddenly flooding him. He felt his cheeks redden and he looked down, not meeting Richard’s gaze. He was still pressed fully against the tree, Richard leaning against him, his hand still resting on his cheek. His breathing was ragged, and his heart beat so rapidly it felt as though he’d just run a marathon. The joy of having just kissed Richard outweighed any guilt he might have felt. There was no way this could be wrong. 

“I’m glad I did too.” At Richard’s reply, Thomas looked back up, their gazes meeting once again, a smile still tugging at his lips. 

“So, what now?” Thomas asked quietly, allowing his eyes to roam over his face, lingering on his lips. 

“Now, we have fun.” Richard’s eyes lit with a glint of excitement and Thomas’s stomach twisted in anticipation as to what that would entail when he was swept up in another kiss.

* * *

Thomas had to admit, sneaking off with Richard and stealing kisses was thrilling. Anytime they could get away, they did. During breaks at school they would find secluded places, like the wall behind the school, or in the trees even further behind the school, even during lunch at their spot under the tree at the edge of the yard. Their hours spent in Richard’s room after school were a bit riskier given his parents, but Thomas would allow quick kisses, always keeping an eye out for anyone coming. 

One afternoon, the Friday before Richard’s birthday, Thomas came over after school as was the norm, and they were sitting on the floor in his room beginning to do homework when Richard asked a question. 

“What if you stay over tonight?” He sounded nervous, but a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “Since you’re coming over tomorrow anyway for my birthday. . . what if you just stay?” 

“But my parents are expecting me home tonight. . .” Thomas replied, wanting nothing more than to say yes. A whole night with Richard? No interruptions? That sounded like heaven. He sighed, looking up at the boy sitting next to him. To his surprise, he was smiling. 

“Then let’s go over and explain it to them. I know you don’t live far, and I have a bike we can take. I’m sure once you tell them you’re coming over here tomorrow anyway. . .” Richard raised his eyebrows, looking confident. 

He hesitated, still unsure. What harm could come of asking, anyway? His parents could say no? 

“Alright, lets do it.” Thomas agreed with a decisive nod. Richard cheered, leaping to his feet and pulling Thomas with him. Laughing, he stood, allowing himself to be pulled into a hug. He could feel Richard’s lips brush his cheek as he pulled away, eyes sparkling. 

They made their way to the backyard where the bike was standing propped against the house and wheeled it around to the front. Richard sat on the seat and Thomas stepped onto the homemade spikes attached to the back wheel, hands settling onto the other boys’ shoulders as he began to pedal forward. He laughed as they wobbled, moving slowly until he figured it out and they were balanced enough to start moving at a steady pace. Thomas lived several streets down from Richard, but with the bike they were at his doorstep in under ten minutes. He was nervous suddenly, as he stepped off the bike and walked with Richard up to his front door. He’d brought friends home before, but this one was different – not that his mum and dad knew that – and his stomach felt queasy. He didn’t knock, but just walked in, holding the door open for Richard announcing he was home. 

“Mum?” Thomas called, walking into the kitchen where he knew his mother would most likely be found. 

“In here, Tommy.” Thomas inwardly rolled his eyes at the nickname he thought himself too old for anymore and looked up to see his mother chopping up some onions at the counter. They were probably having stew for dinner, which they had most nights. If he was lucky, he’d be having shepherds pie at Richard’s. 

“Mum, this is Richard, my friend from school.” Thomas gestured to Richard, who smiled politely at his mum. 

She turned around, setting down her knife and wiping her hands on her apron, smiling warmly at Richard. “Nice to finally meet you, I’ve heard so much about you. Thomas never stops talking about you.” 

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Barrow.” Richard replied, glancing over at him, a silent plea to start asking the question they’d come for. 

“I have a question.” Thomas said, hoping he didn’t sound too nervous. “It’s his birthday tomorrow-” he gestured again to Richard, “-and I know we agreed I’d go over there for the day, but I was curious if I could go over there tonight? And. . .stay?”

“A sleepover,” Richard supplied helpfully. 

“Well, so long as you’re home in time to do your Saturday chores tomorrow evening, I don’t see why you can’t. Peggy is staying at Phyllis’s this weekend, so you’ll do hers too.” 

“But Mum,” Thomas whined. Just because his sister wasn’t home that meant he had to do her chores? Why was she allowed to go to her friends for the whole weekend and he wasn’t? 

“You’ll quit complaining or you won’t go at all.” She warned, a hand on her hip. 

Thomas nodded quickly, knowing when to stay quiet. 

“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow evening, then.” His mum nodded, dismissing them. 

“See you tomorrow.” Thomas said, looking over at Richard to see him failing to hide a smile. Thomas turned quickly, pulling him out of the kitchen and up the stairs to his bedroom. He’d grab some nightclothes and a change out of his school clothes for tomorrow, then they’d be off. He quickly stuffed his clothes into a bag and slung it over his shoulder, leading the way back down the stairs and out of his house. 

“After you, Tommy.” Richard teased, gesturing to the bike. Thomas punched him in the shoulder and glared at him. 

“Shut up, _Dickie_.” Thomas taunted back. 

“ _I_ think it’s cute,”

“It’s childish is what it is.” 

“Is not!” Richard protested, a grin overtaking his features as he swung his leg over the bike and sat down. 

“Is too!” Thomas replied, even as he came to the realization that maybe he wouldn’t mind if Richard called him Tommy. It sounded good, coming from him. Of course, just about anything he said sounded good. He shook his head to himself as he got on the bike, wondering just what he was getting himself into spending the night with Richard. 

They reached Richard’s house quicker than they’d gotten to his, having mastered biking in tandem. “D’you want a snack?” Richard asked as they hopped off the bike, leaving it lying in the front yard.

“I’m starving.” Thomas said, and Richard chuckled.

“Bread and jam?” He offered as they made their way into the kitchen. Thomas nodded, and within minutes they were back in Richard’s room with a plate of their snack resting between them as they sat on the floor. 

The evening passed without incident, their homework finishing up just in time for dinner, then a game of cards with Richard’s parents after that. Once it was time for bed was when Thomas began to get nervous. Would he change into his nightclothes in the same room as Richard, or go into the bathroom to do so? Would they share the bed, or would he sleep on the floor? Or would they both sleep on the floor? His stomach was beginning to fill with nerves, but his questions were answered when the bedroom door closed behind him with a soft click and Richard was already taking off his trousers. Startled, he looked away, feeling embarrassed and a blush rise to his cheeks. 

“What’sa matter, Thomas? Aren’t you goin’ to change?” Richard questioned, pulling a pair of loose pajamas on and beginning to unbutton his school blazer. 

“Yeah, yeah, ‘course.” He mumbled, reaching into his bag for his nightclothes. Facing away from the other boy, he began to undress. He’d only just gotten into his pajama pants and had taken off his blazer and button down when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him from behind. Gooseflesh immediately rippled its way across Thomas’ body and he gasped, skin tingling where fingers dragged over skin. Butterflies erupted into a flurry of activity in his stomach when he was pulled back slightly, a warm torso pressing against his back. 

Richard wasn’t wearing a shirt either. Oh. 

“Hi, Thomas.” Richard breathed. He could feel his breath right next to his ear, causing another wave of gooseflesh. 

“Hi,” He whispered, attempting to steady his breathing as Richard’s head dropped and a feather-light kiss was pressed to his neck. One, then another, until Thomas couldn’t stand it anymore and he turned, capturing those torturous lips with his own and pulling his body flush against Richard’s. 

He made a sound of surprise, then what felt like the rumble of a laugh against his lips as they stumbled closer to the bed. Thomas’s nerves melted away as they made their way closer yet to the bed until they finally fell into it, still kissing. Richard’s hands roamed from his hair to his arms, and down his back until they were exploring lower, over his trousers. A noise of pleasure hummed through Thomas, making its way out of his mouth before he could stop it. A similar noise came from Richard as he allowed his own hands to roam where they wished. 

At the feeling of fingers tugging on the waistband of his pajamas, Thomas gasped and pulled out of the kisses that had been growing more and more heated, opening his eyes. 

“What?” Richard whispered, breathing ragged. “Wan’ me to stop?” 

Thomas shook his head quickly, a blush creeping up his neck. “No, _no_ don’t stop.” He didn’t know exactly why he’d pulled back in the first place. Maybe he was startled at the touch, or, on a deeper level feeling guilty for they were doing and about to do. His blush deepened and for a few moments he stared into Richard’s eyes. He smiled, and Richard took that as an invitation.

“Right, then. C’mere,” Richard flashed a smile, leaning into him once again, fingers undoing the tie at the front of his pants. Thomas followed suit, allowing himself to come undone at the seams, pouring all he had into these exhilarating moments, each one better than the last. He wouldn’t feel guilt over what was happening, now or ever. 

And when they finally came undone together, Thomas found himself lying tangled, naked, in the arms of the boy he was nearly sure he wanted to be around for the rest of his life. Consequences be damned, this felt _right_ , and he wasn’t about to throw it away.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written around a single scene I thought up in the middle of the night, so if it was out of character for either of them, sorry about that. I just really like the idea that as a kid/young adult, Thomas was not as strong-willed and hardened as he is now, and that Richard is the one to instigate things because he’s too nervous to make the first move. Let me know what you thought though, eh? I’d love to know!


End file.
